It's been a really long time since i last REALLY blogged and i know i'm wayy behind. But we had 2 batches of visitors that kept us busy and then some sick kids and then i suffered a little nervous breakdown. I'm not sure it's the right word for it. I'm sure some psychiatrist type will be able to come up with the right label.
It's probably gonna be a sad blog so. But i really want to remember this episode in my life to remind me of this hard lesson i learnt. It all started with me taking Cody to the doctors and realized that he hasn't put on any weight since June(18.5 lbs). Although he was not in any danger of starvation or anything, my brain just took a dive and I was convinced i had another child with eating disorder!
I was paralyzed with panic and fear and extreme sadness. If that wasn't depression setting in, i'm not sure i ever want to experience depression. My brain kept reviewing over and over and over again what i haven't done to help Cody eat more, to help him develop his eating skills, to feed him more age appropriate food, to even feed him!!! I was too focused on getting Tyler fattened up and completely neglected Cody's needs.
He is nearly 11 months old. Still eats like a 6 month old and even refusing to eat most of the time. My life was over.. and the more i panicked, Cody seemed to feel it and it just made feeding 10 times worse. And my maid who was trying to help me started force feeding Cody just to make me feel better but i knew this is probably how the problem starts.
How could i do that? How did i miss out the last 4 months.. etc etc. And i just sank deeper and deeper into hopelessness. For many days, i couldn't even smile. And i just couldn't get myself out of the gutter. I even considered getting professional help.
But Alan who was the more level headed person in this whole episode quickly realized i was just digging myself into a bigger hole and told me quite brutally, it was time to bring in a nanny into the picture and take me out of the picture completely. His famous words "You are the problem!".
Like i needed another kick while i was down but actually in hindsight, I needed it! It shook me up and i thought about it seriously and began to see his point. Cody was still breastfeeding and even sleeping with me and feeding multiple times a night. The fact that his weight has not gained is because i am just not providing him enough to gain! I should know that! I preach about it all the time! And because he gets my milk, he doesn't ever feel hungry to want to want a bottle or eat very much.
I called up some friends to talk about their experience and decided that there is only 1 way to go. It's time to get over myself and Cody to get over his booby addiction. I also tearfully agreed that we get a nanny to help with this transition. With that I came up with a plan. Get Cody sleep trained. No more night feedings and he has to learn to sleep in his own crib and room. Get a nanny. Get a schedule!
So, a little over a week later. Cody is sleep trained. We have a nanny. Cody gets new food cooked specially for him everyday. We're still working out the best schedule for Cody but we're pretty close. And after a week of unknown, i put Cody on the scale and there was some weight gain!! Yay!! Although feeding him still is quite a struggle and he needs his dinner with a song and dance, i'm hoping that once his eating ability improves, we'll be able to offer him more exciting food and he will enjoy his eating experience a little more.
And for me, for the first time in 11 months, i am able to sleep thru the night! And for the first time in weeks, i'm able to wake up without panic or dread in my stomach. This experience just made me realized that maybe i'm actually damaged from having a child with eating disorder. And it's going to take some time for me to heal from it. And i will have to learn about feeding a child with no eating disorder without turning him one that has!!!
Cody is still nowhere near where he should be eating wise but i think this is a good start. I'm hoping he will start to get a hungry cycle once the schedule kicks in and his body gets used to actually eating! And i just have to learn to relax and convince myself that Cody is NOT Tyler and will actually eat when he gets hungry!!!
Wish me strength!
p.s just a side note, i actually dwindled to a horrible 84 lbs during this ordeal!!
